I Had a Baby and Now I’m a Smug Bastard

But really, a baby is the most perfect excuse.

“I’m so sorry I can’t come, the baby is crying”

(he isn’t)

“I’m sorry I forgot, the baby didn’t sleep”

(he did)

“I’m sorry for the smell, the baby farted”

(it was me)

And in this case

“I’m sorry for abandoning yet another blog for months at a time, the baby made me watch every episode of Gilmore Girls, the Crown, and Gavin and Stacey instead”

Things Which Are Better Done Not Pregnant

Sure, sure, we all know that things like smoking, soft cheese, holding up a convenience store, and voting for Tony Abbott are not good for the health of your unborn baby as well as society at large. But following my recent events (“having a baby”) I humbly throw my hat in the ring with a few more activities which, I found through personal experience, are better done not pregnant.

• Miserably buying clothes which don’t fit your fat ass in the deluded hope that soon they will, because they won’t, you silly schlubb, and the image of the first time you try to squeeze your tummy into them, reminiscent of squeezing play dough into a tube, will be forcibly summoned in your mind’s eye every time you look into a mirror for the next two months (so far).
• Getting a ticket for texting at a red traffic light and enduring such a look of scathing judgement from the police officer that you almost call DOCS on yourself.
• Watching any feel good news story about puppies, because you will cry with such abandon the neighbours think your mother has died.
• (On a similar vein) Beginning an argument the success of which hinges upon your ability to maintain a righteous fury, because within moments you will dissolve into tears sobbing “I just FEEL SO SAD”.
• Making a cake “for your family”.
• Seeing any dog, because you will remember the feel good puppy story, and cry again.